(DEH) MY Suicide Note This Time
by Trekkiehood
Summary: "Dear Evan Hansen, I'm back here now. Writing a suicide note to myself. MY suicide note this time." -After "Words Fail" Evan goes home and decides to make everything right. After all, he can't do any more damage once he's dead, right? Just his note, no story as of yet.


**So... um... Dear Evan Hansen anyone? So, I haven't read the book or watched the musical (there is way too much language for me to be able to get through it) but I love the soundtrack! And, of course, I read the synopsis and enough fics to have the basic idea.**

**So this is just me not being able to write for three weeks. I was trying to write "Love Doesn't Discriminate" but instead ended up mentally writing this. I thought maybe if I went ahead and wrote it I would get my writing flow back.**

**This is literally just a suicide note. No story, just a suicide note that Evan writes immediately following "Words Fail". There is a story that I might write if you guys are interested, but I can't make any promises as I am severely behind on all of my other writing projects.**

**Sorry for this extremely long authors note,**

**Sincerely,**  
**Jamie**

**WARNING: Talk of Suicide (no, really?) and self-hatred**

~TH~

_Dear Evan Hansen, _

_That's how this thing all started, isn't it? _

_Three stupid words. Stupid, stupid, words. How appropriate that my name is two of them. Stupid words. Stupid name. Stupid me. _

_Everything went wrong. Everything went so wrong. Because I can't do anything right, but we already knew that so I don't know why anyone was surprised. _

_And I'm back here now. Writing a suicide note to myself. MY suicide note this time. _

_To myself. How pathetic. _

_Who else could I write it to? I don't have anyone who cares about me. Not anymore. I messed that one up. _

_Just like me. Finally get people to notice you and they hate you. I mean, they have every right to. You lied to them. You used them. You used Connor. Now the Murphy's are going to tell everyone what a fake you are and it's going to be even worse than before because instead of no one noticing you and having no one that cares about you, everyone will know about you but hate you because what you did was stupid. STUPID._

_But I'm going to get it right this time. _

_None of this would have happened if I had just gotten it right the first time. Instead, all I ended up with was a broken arm. If I didn't have a broken arm, Connor wouldn't have asked to sign my cast, then he wouldn't have found my note, and none of this would have happened. _

_I guess I'm just one big failure. I can't even die right. _

_Not this time. This time I have to get it write._

_I wish I could tell everyone how sorry I am. But I can't. Because I can't do stupid anything right. _

_But I am. I am sorry. _

_The Murphy's were a great family. They were so open and welcoming. I took advantage of them. I didn't mean to. I just wanted a family. A real family that did family things._

_But I was a jerk to my mom. She's always been there for me and I blew her off. I know she tries. She does so much. She has always paid for everything and... well... it will probably be better for her when I'm gone. Then maybe she won't have to work so hard. She deserves a break. A break I never really gave her. _

_Then, Alana, I'm not really sure if we were friends, but either way, I was a terrible co-president. I said some things I shouldn't have, but come on, isn't that just who I am? I got into this whole mess by accidentally saying things. _

_And Jared. I mean, I know we were only ever family friends, but he was still the only person to even... try? I shouldn't have... I shouldn't have done that to him. He was the closest thing to a friend I had before and now... Well, I went from half a friend to no friends. A half is better than none, right? But I messed that up too._

_Good going Evan._

_That's why this is for the best. _

_That's why it's time to go. _

_Because if you're dead it's hard to mess everything up. _

_If I'm dead then maybe the buzzing in my brain will stop. And my hands will stop shaking, even though they had stopped for a while, but it's back again and it's worse because instead of being used to it it's new again and the medicine isn't working right probably because it's been so long since I took it. Maybe my heart will stop hurting so bad. And everyone will finally know just how broken Evan Hansen is, but that's okay because at least I won't be around to see all the disappointment that I know will be there. I won't have to see all the hate and the looks and the anger and everything I can't deal with when I haven't done something incredibly stupid but is even worse because I know I deserve it because I'm stupid, stupid STUPID!_

_How did this end up being so long? Aren't suicide notes supposed to be short? Well, I guess I can't even do that right. _

_It's not like anyone will read this anyway._

_It's not like anyone will care. _

_ Sincerely, your best and only friend, _

_ Me_


End file.
